A young woman was
having a physical examination and was very
embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she
removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
"I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I
let myself go." The physician was checking hers
eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You
don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The
doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her
face and said, "Of course. Now just open your
mouth and say moo."
A handsome
young lad went into the hospital for some minor
surgery, and the day after the procedure a
friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
His friend was amazed at the number of nurses
who entered the room in short intervals with
refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make
the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the
attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to
me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses
kind of formed a little fan club when they all
heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."
Charlie marries
a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire,
and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and
immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I
expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are
at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his
hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"
"Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay,
then," he says, "now will you please pass the
pussy."
A farmer was
driving along the road with a load of
fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of
his house, saw him and called, "What've you got
in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you
going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised
him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
A doctor was
having an affair with his nurse. Shortly
afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not
wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a
sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
have the baby there. "But how will I let you
know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied,
"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti'
on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not
knowing what else to do, the nurse took the
money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's
wife called him at the office and explained,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in
the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means." The doctor said,
"Just wait until I get home and I will explain
it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read
the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The
lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the
cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card
and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two
without.'"
The doctor
said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your
spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure
is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he
had anything to live for. He couldn't
concentrate long enough to answer, but decided
he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new
life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought,
"That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him
briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on
the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe
thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The
salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34
sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As
Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was
on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed
Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you
know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The
salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and
said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size
34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook
his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
underwear would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of
a headache.
A precious
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in
the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter,
do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's
heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that
he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a
widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack
wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks
on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink
my pet python weally gives a thit.
A young couple
were on their way to Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy
that she had a confession to make. The reason
that they have not been too intimate is because
she is very flat chested.
"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll
understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I
don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the
most important thing in a marriage anyway."
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to
the girl and said that he also had a confession
to make. The reason that they have not been too
intimate is because he is just like a baby below
the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that
like a baby below the
waist, and sex is not the most important thing
in a marriage anyway."
And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and
got married. On their wedding night, the girl
took off her clothes. True to her word, she is
as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took
off his clothes. After one glance at his naked
body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
When she regained consciousness, the guy said,
"I told you before we got married, so why were
you so surprised?"
"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy
replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"
A young female
teacher was giving her class of six year olds a
quiz "behind my back I've got something red,
round and you can eat it. what is it?" she
asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no,"
said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows
your thinking." "I've now got something round, a
greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple,"
replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it
shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at
the back of the class says "I've got something
under my desk that's an inch long, white and it
has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the
teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were
thinking," he answered.
"Honey," said
this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend
home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The
house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all
the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like
cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then
why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting
married."
A famous pilot
was having dinner with a brunette and when they
finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room
service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When
it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes
lips and started kissing her. She asks what the
red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have
red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says.
A little while later the pilot jumps back onto
the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives
moments later, he splashes it on her rack and
starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white
wine is for and he replies, "For when I have
white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he
works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can
of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on
her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why
the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The
pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go
down in flames."
Bruce is
driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day
when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to
throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and
yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're
doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her
eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant
and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a
lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth
Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but
you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.
A woman walks
into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he
sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes
we do. Would you like to buy some?" She
responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait
around here until someone does?"
Paul was
ambling through a crowded street fair when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's
table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For
fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and
tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look
at his open palm and said, "I can see that you
have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely,
aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's
amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love
line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
A man says to
his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow
my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies,
"No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies,
"I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth
for the last 20 years and you're still fucking
talking aren't you?"
A guy's talking
to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you,
your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men.
What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."
Two guys were
discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't
sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her
maiden name?
A little boy
went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did
all of my intelligence come from?" The father
replied. "Well son, you must have got it from
your mother, cause I still have mine"
An old man goes
to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40
years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used
to put the curse on you. The old man says
without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
The science
teacher stood in the front of the class and
said, "Children, if you could have one raw
material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would
want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money
and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded,
and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum
because platinum is worth more than gold and I
could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and
then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want
silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why
silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has
two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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